Sure the kids will always come first, but don't forget to make time for yourself. Learn how to balance your life and make room for romance!
You’ve finally got the single parent routine down — get kids ready for school, rush-dress for work, take kids to school, go to work, pick up kids, supervise homework, take kids to soccer, make dinner, do laundry, read bedtime story, pay bills, crash by midnight — or something along those lines. Congratulations. You get the parent of the year award! But haven’t you forgotten something? Like yourself?
As a parent, unselfishness is natural; the kids come first. Period. It’s probably been a blue moon since you’ve thought about or made time for yourself, much less romance. Maybe you even like it that way. I mean love is hard work. It’s complicated. It’s scary. Plus, who’s got the time? Everybody! A hot romance — even a couple of harmless dates — is the perfect way to break up the old routine and wake up those irresistible wiles that, between PTA meetings and dirty diapers, you’d forgotten you possessed.
So stop using the kids as an excuse, ditch the T-shirt and sweats for a tank top and a pair of tight jeans, and get back out there. Here are eight things every dating single parent should consider:
The screen test
Before looking for your dream partner, you may need to spend some time outlining exactly what that dream is — for you and for your children. Since time is at a premium these days, it’s important to fine-tune the screening process, so you’re not wasting precious nights and weekends with Mr. or Mrs. “I love kids, but as soon as they’re old enough, it’s off to boarding school.” It’s wise to keep your options open, but it’s prudent to be picky.
Dating for two
Or three or more. You come as a package now. Make it clear to your date immediately. If you’re afraid that the news will scare your love away, at least you’ve addressed that potential hurdle before expletives fly and hearts get broken. It’s only fair that both parties know what they are getting into.
Proceed with caution
You don’t need to discuss every dating relationship with your children, but once things start heating up and look potentially serious, you can tell the family. You may want to arrange a group outing or activity and introduce your partner as one of your “friends” to get the ball rolling. Kids are smart, and depending on the age, will catch on quickly that your “friend” is more than just a tennis buddy. Go slowly, and give your kids time to accept the new figure in your lives.
Online introduction
Finding your perfect match online can be thrilling, and it may be tempting to consult your children about the person’s parent-worthiness. After all, they are a key part of your decision making process. Use your best judgment here. A teenager might be ready — and willing — to help you scope out potential dates online, but a younger child may find it confusing that Mom or Dad is on the prowl.
Save the affection
When those initial sparks start to fly, it’s often difficult (nearly impossible) to keep your hands off one another. But try to contain yourself in front of the kids. Save it for the nights when you have a babysitter or the children are with your ex — at least at the beginning of the relationship. After time, a hug here or a kiss there won’t be such an issue, and you should be able to do a little public petting without guilt. You are, in fact, human. If your date has graduated to a bed partner, same rules apply. You don’t want Little Johnny running into naked Big Johnny in the hallway.
A good gauge
Let’s face it, kids can be a handful — even embarrassing — when you’re trying to maintain some sense of intrigue and attraction with your date. But this is not always a bad time. My sister once took a road trip with her new beau and her five-year-old son, who caught a bad case of diarrhea mid-trip. After five pit stops and a new set of clothes for my nephew, my sister got a good sense of how her man would hold up through the realities of parenthood.
The revolving door
Dates will come and go, so it’s important to keep your children at the right emotional distance. They’ve already lost one parent, so you want to do your best to keep them from getting hurt again. If an emotional connection between your partner and child has already been established, and the relationship ends, you may want to allow your child some phone calls or visits with the ex. But this probably won’t last long, especially when you start seeing someone new. Again, be choosy about whom you bring around and when to make that person part of the “family.”
Single Parents Survival Tips
Back when I was a kid, one of my favorite movies was With Six You Get Egg Roll, a wholesomely unrealistic family flick in which Doris Day, a widow with three sons, marries Brian Keith, a widower with a teenage daughter. Despite the usual plot points — Keith’s daughter resents having a new mom, and Day’s oldest son can’t stand his new dad — everything is happily resolved by the closing credits, making pop culture safe for perky sitcom fare like The Brady Bunch.
As we all know, though, matters never work out quite so neatly in real life. The fact is, dating can be incredibly stressful and time-consuming for an unencumbered 16-year-old, much less a divorced mom or dad above 40 with a couple of toddlers or a surly teen in tow. Here are some tips for maintaining your sanity:
Stay focused on each other.
During the awkwardness of a first (or second or 17th) date, it’s natural to zero on what you have in common — so before you know it, you’ve spent your entire three-hour dinner discussing your kids’ school plays. To keep the discussion from straying you-know-where, ask your children to kindly not call you on your cell phones during a specific interval — say, 7:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. — except in the event of a crisis, obviously (their not knowing the square root of 36 doesn’t quite qualify as an emergency...). Then, with your partner, pronounce that time period’s talk a kid-free zone.
Keep the little ones distracted.
When toddlers or grade-schoolers are involved, the biggest challenge of dating can be getting the kids out of your hair long enough to, well, do your hair. “I’d put my kid in the bathtub while I put on my makeup, then let him watch an hour of Sesame Street,” says Lisa Cohn, coauthor (with William Merkel) of One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies. Or arrange for something special — like setting up a make-your-own ice-cream sundae activity — while you’re getting ready.
Don’t lie.
For many parents, the only thing scarier than actually going out on a date is having to tell their kids that they’re going out on a date. As tempting as it is to say you’ve been called back to work for an emergency, or you’re visiting an elderly aunt in the hospital, if your kids are as smart as you hope they are, they’ll have long since figured out why you’re getting all dressed up and putting on perfume. By telling the truth now, you avoid unnecessary complications later on if you and your beau really get serious.
Beware the “ex effect.”
If your kids put up a teary-eyed fuss when you head out the door, it’s usually for one of two reasons: separation anxiety (which is normal), or a jealous ex stirring things up (which, unfortunately, is also normal, and doesn’t lend itself to a quick fix). Ex-spouses can be a real wrench in the works (it goes both ways, of course), says Cohn, especially when it comes to logistics: “Sometimes your ex isn’t willing to change his visitation schedule just so you can go out on a date.” And if your new relationship becomes serious, that ex may well linger in the background, telling the kids dire tales about their potential new stepmom. The grown-ups involved — you and your former spouse — may want to meet with a counselor to discuss how to handle such issues in advance… rather than having arguments erupt in front of the kids. Dating again often reopens the wounds of divorce, and you want to be prepared to handle the situation in a mature and calm way.
If the kids fight, don’t overreact.
“If he’s got teenagers and you’ve got a three-year-old, you’re in trouble,” says Cohn. But if your kids and his kids are roughly the same age, and they squabble and bicker during family excursions, keep in mind that past performance doesn’t necessarily guarantee future results. “If they don’t get along,” says Cohn, “it doesn’t mean that they won’t learnto get along.” But you and your date have to take an active role in talking to the kids — in private, and on your turf, not as a group. The kids need to know that you expect certain behavior from them — in clear terms with consequences spelled out (“If you tease Timmy, we will leave before watching the movie. You know I don’t tolerate that behavior.”). And they need to hear that from you, their parent, not from you talking to them and your date’s kids, as if they were already a blended family. Honor allegiances, and they’ll honor your requests… in time.