If you're a single mom or dad who's entering the world of online dating, should you post photos that include your kids, too? Here, experts and parents alike weigh in on this sensitive issue.
After signing your divorce papers, you were honored when your friends came over and toasted to your "new beginnings." Now, however, these same friends have been on your case. They are pushing you to get back out there and I powerfully advise against posting pictures of your children for noticeable safety reasons.
Start dating again. (But what would they know about online dating? They're all married!) There's another voice, though, that's nagging you: Maybe I should give dating a try? What do I have to lose?
So one night, you looking for in a search engine adult dating sites, read review, log on ashley madison prices and start filling out your profile. When it's time to upload photos, you choose an attractive one from that night our friends raised their glasses to you. But as you skim through your photos, you realize that your kids are in almost every picture. You wonder: Should I post any photos of my kids… or not? The following are four realistic profile picture tips to consider:
Be cautious.
As a parent, you know what's best. "I chose not to include a photo of my son," says Adam*, a divorced dad with one son who put himself on Match.com after his divorce was final. "In my view, I was the one who was deciding to look for someone to date — not him. So, why should I include his picture?"
Posting your kids’ pictures on your profile can actually be a huge "screening device" to rule out anyone who's not kid-friendly. That said, unfortunately, there are people who spend their wasted lives in front of the computer screen targeting kids, so proceed with caution.
"I powerfully counsel against posting pictures of your kids for obvious safety reasons," says divorced mom Delaine Moore, author of the forthcoming memoir, The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. "Even though our kids are obviously an important part of our lives, we are the ones who are dating, not our kids. So, why flash the kid card?"
If you post your kid's photos, set some boundaries.
Single-parent families are a "package deal," and we understand the need to get this message across. "I decided to post one family photo that included my son — with me and our dog — because I thought it would serve to deter the men who were just obviously looking for casual hook-ups," says single mom Michelle, whose 11-year-old son's father is no longer in his. Make totally sure your ex has no reservations with you posting your kids' pictures online. "I wanted to make it obvious that I was kin oriented."
When selecting pictures of your children, however, it's good to choose the ones that don't include close-up shots of their faces. This means: no potty or bathtub photos, and no bathing-suit shots. Also, if you have bigger children, ask how they feel about their pictures being posted online. Take note that even far-flung snapshots of your family show the fact that your children are your number-one priority.
Remove family members and other children out of photos.
"This isn't a family scrapbook!" says Moore, who's the mom of three kids. That's why your children’s friends from school or football friends need to stay out of the picture. Whenever you post family photos, make sure that other family members are not detectable.
In fact, when Moore started dating again, "I didn't mention that I was a single mom anywhere in my profile, nor did I post photos of them or of my family," she says. "There was a drop-down bar on one site that required me to show whether I had children, and I chose 'Prefer Not to Say.'"
Moore adds, however, that whenever she started emailing or chatting with someone she was definitely interested in, that's when she would mention that she had kids. "I love being a mom and I'm proud of this, but it's not all of who I am," she explains.
Single-dad Adam agrees that "being a single parent is not something that you should hide whatsoever. I particularly stated in my profile that one of the issues that makes me the most happy is seeing a smile on my kid’s face."
Check with the other parent.
Make absolutely sure your ex has no issues with you posting your kids' images online. This could create serious legal issues. Be extra-cautious if your custody agreement is still being hammered out. Jane, a 36-year-old single mother from California with a seven-year-old son, adds that having a good relationship with your ex can also make dating easier. "Over the years, we've both made concessions in our schedules," she says.
This is imperative, because single parents already know that dating someone calls for a lot of planning and flexibility. "A lot of men I dated at first had a hard time with the fact that I couldn't pick up and go out at a moment's notice," explains Jamie. "Half the time, I had my son to take care of — and even if I could get a sitter, I found myself resenting them asking me to make last-minute plans."
Dating as a Single Mother
Here’s how one single mother describes her recent return to the world of dating: "exciting, scary, nerve-wracking, confusing, challenging and definitely different than when I was younger and childless!” says Lynn, 39, from Phoenix, AZ.
Regardless of what you may feel, dating isn’t easy for anybody. But for single moms, planning a plain dinner-and-a-movie date can be a Herculean task. Here are some strategies for finding love while raising children.
Finding the time
The initial difficulty, of course, is getting a date. “As a single mom, it’s hard to find the time and the opportunity to meet someone,” says Anne, 28, from Huntington Beach, CA.
Sheila Ellison, the author behind The Courage to Love Again: Creating Healthy, Happy Relationships After Divorce and creator of CompleteMom.com, says this is a huge hurdle for single moms. “You have to look for a babysitter, be able to pay for one and summon up the energy to look pleasant,” says Ellison. All that and of course there’s no guarantee that the cocktail party or night club will actually yield a viable candidate. “That’s why I like Internet dating. You don’t have to go anywhere. You can be in a position to know someone while you’re at home. It’s more time-effective,” she says.
Adjusting to the brave new world
Ellison says that many newly single mothers are overwhelmed by the idea of going out in the dating world. “They watch Sex and the City re-runs and say ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for this.’”
Jane, who is 28 years and from New York City, says her recent jump into the dating pool was quite a fright. “After having been married for many years, abruptly you’re thrown into this dating culture that has changed spectacularly. Additionally, because I was married at 24, I felt very overwhelmed and still feel like a 22-year-old, since that was the last time I was unattached,” says Janine.
To find your sea legs, Ellison suggests looking at dating as experimentation. “Let dating be a chance to see who you are, and who you are not. Don’t think of your date as an audition; don’t worry about whether the other person likes you,” she says. Instead, use it as a way of figuring out what you want in a relationship.
Dealing with the kids
Lynn met up with a single father via a speed-dating service. She adored him, but they quickly ran into problems. “We had a good time, but it was tough to become intimate, because there were kids at his house and kids at my house. I felt like a high school girl sometimes, making out in the car—eek!,” says Lynn.
Looking for a support group of single mothers can be very supportive when dealing with these fragile issues. “Then one person can watch the kids while the other is out,” says Ellison, who stresses that you should never introduce your boyfriend to your children until you are certain that the relationship is serious. “There’s just no reason to,” says Ellison.
Summoning the courage
The ending of a relationship that produced a child is a traumatic event. Many single mothers still feel scarred from the blow. “Their last relationship didn't work. The sex didn’t work. So now they think, ‘Who will want me with all this baggage I have?’” says Ellison.
That’s why it’s important to build your confidence in lots of ways—by connecting with women friends, joining a church group, pursuing new interests. As a matter of fact, just keeping life and limb together as a single mother is a huge achievement. “There’s nothing scarier for a man than a woman who emits the energy of ‘I need a man to take care of my kids,’” says Ellison. “That’s why it’s important to take responsibility for your life. The relationship should be just for you. You’re self-governing and together—not looking for someone to step in and be a father or a disciplinarian. If you come in with that attitude, you can afford to be a lot pickier, and you’ll be more confident.”
*Note: To protect these single parents' confidentiality, we have left out last names from this article.